Did you ever get your heart broken? Have it drop to the floor and break like glass, leaving a hollow space of sorrow in your chest? Instead of a glowing light, a rock took its place?
Mine’s been broken many times. And I am sure I hurt some too. But I remember the first time. It was a snowy, icey day and I was 11 or so. A bunch of us where ice-skating in the local forest and I had decided to declare my love to the boy I was in love with.
I remember so well this feeling of being in love with him. It was so pure. My heart was filled up with light, anticipation, life and joy when I saw him. I could feel it taking up the entire space inside of me.
When I told him, I understood by his grin that the feelings weren’t mutual. I was shocked. How could it be that I felt love and he not? It didn’t make sense. Couldn’t I trust my heart?
A little piece of me died that day, and I decided to enter into adolescence a bit smarter. Not wear my heart on the sleeve for sure. It became isolation.
So I became really tough. Smart. Witty. I showed the world that I was untouchable and that nothing got to me. I saw a world of abuse and self-abuse and I quickly learnt the language of the streets.
I stayed isolated until I was 25. Sure, there were connections, but I felt little.
And then little by little I attempted to open the heart again, since there is probably only one reason why we are here and it is to love. If I wanted life, I needed to be friends with love again. I got a son and one day when he was 3, he turned to me and said ”I love you”. A warm breeze came from his heart to mine and I felt my heart again. That was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It was a door that was opened. A door that I closed at 11.
Being touched, being close, being moved is what the heart does. It makes us poets.
To love though is a sensitive thing. The heart speaks such a wonderful language, but it seees and feels everything. If there is a disturbance in the force, the heart knows immediately. And it understands that even if you meet someone from your heart, in a world full of broken hearts, it might not be met in the same way. Or you see that you yourself start fretting and then temporarily close it off again when someone gets too close and when love is no longer a distant and safe day dream.
It is easy to love your dog. If you are a good owner, the dog showers you with love back. It is only joy between you. But to love a human being is a different cup of tea. Human beings are under pressure. We created this dream of winners and losers, and we imagine we have to be someone else than who we are. Perform. Master shit. We put pressure on eachother. We withdraw. We protest and we try to destroy ourselves in this game of winners and losers, burning out, stressing, fighting, struggling. Some of us, just to survive. The whole system is abusive and yes, I know, to love is then a luxury.
We are sentient beings, capable of thinking, and we are somewhat conscious, although to varying degree. Some people know ethics as a default while others has to be taught. Some people correct themselves, others needs to be rejected to learn to behave. We are stuck in our egos, concerned with our neurosis. There is no surplus. Everybody scraping, out to have more energy, get more money, have more of more, hoping it will fill the void and release the fears.
Love, however, is different. It is pure abundance due to the capacity to prioritize real from unreal. Less attention goes to those things that doesn’t work, and more to that which works. Love is joy. And you can always sit and love for yourself, in your cave, and it might be easy and you might think you master it, but to go out there and really try to practice love takes training. It is so easy to slip into the past.
There is neither past nor future in love. It is present. Fully embracing life. As is. Right now.
That does not mean that there won’t be any upgrades and changes, an idea that seems to be a common misconception regarding acceptance. If we accept and show unconditional love, are we enablers? Well, if we are full of fear and the acceptance of abuse is because we want something, if it is peace, love or benefits in return, then yes, we become enablers thinking it is love. We might even think that we are nice and “they” are bad.
Well, love is also truth. And truth will find expression, so love is not a coward as once thought. Jesus himself kicked some butt during his time on earth.
And if you are feeling abused, I am sure you would love to do the same. Set a boundary. Speak your truth. Let people know that respect is required.
The time to express this is right now. Currently Venus is traveling with the Sun through Aquarius and there they will be crossing the South Node in in a few days. And if I am to translate this in a very step-to-step manner, I could for instance write: -Aquarius is related to suddenness and whatever is sudden, shocks us. The opposite of Aquarius is Leo, the heart. Uranus and Aquarius is the nervous system. The South Node is the past. Venus and the Sun is relating and relationships.-
And I could follow with; -So when there has been shocks, like the one I shared over here, we freeze. Aquarius is related to cold. Cold, mentally polarized people who decided that the heart was too much to bother with we can find being severly challenged by planets in Aquarius in their charts. It can be cynicism. Complete disdain for humans in it’s complete distortion. This is being frozen. And underneath this world pain, there lies a deep distrust in anything good. Because the opposite has been experienced.-
The South Node is related to the past. So when the Sun and Venus cross this point in the coming days, you will have a window of opportunity to lift the veil of toughness and coolness or gain a deeper understanding of what exactly it means to grow into a conscious expression of love.
It is off course your life and your heart. And you do as you feel capable of or ready for. We have to forgive and that takes time.
But still, ponder this: What is life without love?
Love is life. And the good news is that when there is wisdom added, the heart stops breaking. It understands death. Then it becomes real. There are no expectations and the capacity to see life and humans as is, has been developed. Then the individual knows that it is always alone and never alone.
Or as Krishnamurti said it: “My secret is that I don’t mind what happens”
Humanity is on this path of evolution between business and love, going from being driven by primal survival instinct into having to learn to cooperate. For real. And we really don’t have any choice if we are to survive. We are stronger together than apart.
But abuse has to stop before we get further and right now, this is what we deal with now.
So whatever comes up in your relationships these days, whether it is to a sibling, or to your parents, friends, lovers, colleagues or even just someone you pass on the street, it can tell you a bit about your deep reactive mechanisms relating to love and in relationships. Embrace your shadow, hold space for your reactions.
Chosing love is going against gravity and this is why Jesus walked on water. And Saturn floats on it.
It is an act of will, not of random reactions.
And then you will have the life of your dreams, and you don’t have to be anybody. Just yourself, which once, before the pain, was a reality and you were full of energy.